Perimenopause Taught Me to Forgive Myself

I had yelled at my kid for something small and then immediately felt terrible. I was angry at myself. I was ashamed. I was disappointed in myself. I felt like I should be able to handle my perimenopause symptoms better. I felt like I should be able to control my emotions. I felt like I should not make mistakes. Then I realized something. I was going through a major physical transition. My hormones were changing. My brain chemistry was changing. My body was changing. Of course I was not going to be perfect. Of course I was going to make mistakes. Of course my emotions were going to be out of my control sometimes. And instead of forgiving myself for that, I was punishing myself for it. I decided to forgive myself. And that changed everything.

How I got here

I have always been hard on myself. I have high expectations for myself. I expect to be able to handle anything. I expect to be able to control my emotions. I expect to be productive and competent and put together. Perimenopause made it impossible for me to meet those expectations. I could not control my emotions. I was not always productive. I was not always competent. And instead of accepting that this was normal for someone going through perimenopause, I judged myself for it. I was ashamed of myself. I was disappointed in myself. I was angry at myself for not being able to do better. This inner criticism was making my perimenopause experience so much worse.

What I actually did

I started forgiving myself. Every time I made a mistake, every time I snapped at someone, every time I was emotional or tired or unable to do something, I tried to forgive myself. I tried to have compassion for myself the way I would have compassion for a friend going through perimenopause. I started talking to myself with kindness instead of criticism. I started acknowledging that I was going through something difficult and doing the best I could. I started recognizing that perfection was not possible during perimenopause. I started celebrating the times I did okay instead of punishing myself for the times I did not do okay. I also started apologizing when I made mistakes and making amends where I could. But then I let it go instead of holding onto shame and self-criticism.

What actually changed

The inner critic got quieter. I stopped being so hard on myself. When I made mistakes, I felt sad about it but I did not spiral into shame and self-recrimination. I forgave myself. I moved on. I also started treating myself with more kindness. I was not perfect but I was doing okay. I was going through a difficult transition and I was handling it the best I could. That was enough. And when I was kinder to myself, I was also kinder to the people around me.

What my routine looks like now

I practice self-compassion regularly. When I make a mistake, I forgive myself. When I am having a rough day, I am kind to myself. I talk to myself with encouragement instead of criticism. I track how I am treating myself using PeriPlan. When I notice I am being critical or harsh with myself, I pause and I practice self-compassion instead. The shift from self-criticism to self-compassion has been one of the most healing things I have done during perimenopause.

If you are being hard on yourself because of your perimenopause symptoms, I want you to know that you deserve compassion. You are going through something difficult. You are doing the best you can. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to have days where you do not do as well as you would like. That is okay. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. You deserve that kindness.